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, this is the dilley show with jon stewart -- the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the show. my name is jon stewart. boom! we got a good one for you tonight. tonight's guest, dennis leary will be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause) >> jon: monday denis leary, thursday sergeant first class leroy petry who is going to be receiving the medal of honor, one of the only living members of the military to receive it since the vietnam war, leary on monday, maeld of honor winner on thursday. it will be, the largest character gap we have ever had. (laughter) >> between guests. denis was wondering how i was going to get him today. anyway, took last week off. and had a great vacation. went away completely unplugged. no news, no tv, threw my cell phone in the ocean which caused some problems later but at the time felt pretty great. so let's plug back in, what i did miss? >> the president is worrying that we have just nine days to raise the debt ceiling or risk default. >> the numbers of jobs created last month, just
12, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. the great kid rock will be joining us on the program tonight, and i'm going to go with shark. all right. [cheering and applause] folks, i'm going to start with a problem. we got a problem. apparently america spends more than it takes in. so america needs to figure out a way to become more fiscally responsible. unfortunately while america figures it out, there is a repo man, let's call him "china," that on august 2nd could possibly repossess us. [laughter] the good news is we have a couple of good debt reduction options at our disposal. worse comes to worse, we could for some weird reason arbitrarily change the money we're allowed to be in date, which makes no [bleeped] sense whatsoever, but the bad news is the people in charge of putting together this country-saving plans are the same ones who as of today are currently on the floor
show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to the dail show. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, dr. cameron diaz. that will make sense later on in the program. you will see. she has graciously agreed to perform a surgical procedure on... [laughter] on tonight's program. a quick word before we get going to the tourist community, to the visitors to this great land of ours. if you've been here eight months, you live here. you live here. you're not from venezuela. [cheering and applause] donde esta you're mine. seven years of spanish, all i remember. [laughter] donde esta. let's begin tonight perhaps in america, the land of opportunity, where the streets are paved with let's say cinnabuns. [laughter] and yet we are nation besieged with problems, problems we must solve. problem number one, our gooey, rat-infested cinnabun-paved streets. why did we do that? that was a dopey material to pave our streets with. [laughter] we're going to need common-sense solutions to our problems if we're not just
with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. tonight jennifer aniston. jennifer aniston will be here. i hope i'm not too exhausted. i had a crazy weekend. yesterday likeyear in the end of june last weekend i dress in glitter like a peacock. i march down fifth avenue to raise awareness of exotic birds. and i've got to tell you this year almost more than any other year it went really really well. i couldn't believe the support i was getting. people are like this is a great day. it's been too long. i was like, yeah, exotic birds. you know what i mean? and then people are like wasn't friday amazing? i was like why? what happened friday? >> it is a history-making night with a vote that just happened a short time ago. new york becomes the 7th jurisdiction in america to recognize marriage for same sex couples. >> jon: that's a major civil rights victory. ( cheers and applause ) new york, finally, new york state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in connecticut in order to get marr
headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. my guest tonight author matthew richardson. he is author of a book about fannie mae and freddy imagine and -- freddie mac and why the two shu never have gotten married. republican michel bachmann has surged above president obama. the key to the success progrowth agenda, adherence to the founding fathers principles and something special. >> analysts say her uncompromising views on homosexuality are one of big reasons she's gaining traction in iowa. >> jon: what? why would iowans be so concerned about what happens three inches below the corn belt? [laughter] since the iowa supreme court legalized same-sex marriage in 2009 they've noticed real changes in the state's cash crop! [laughter] yes, their worst fears corn destroyed by a (bleep) playing. [laughter] a -- (bleep) plague. movie about iowa field of -- if you build it they will -- you
central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, we got a big one tonight. our guest tonight, mr. tom hanks. he is man so likable, so polite that his name actually contains the word "thanks." [laughter] it's right in it. we begin tonight with the economy, which, as many of you are aware, sucks. [laughter] right now we're looking to pay down $14.3 trillion of debt. [audience reacts] [laughter] apparently i'm reading a scary story to my children. they're going to do all the noises like it's "peter and the [bleeped] wolf or something." we're going to pay down $14. trillion of debt with a economy struggling to produce jobs, in large part because american workers still stubbornly cling to the idea that they should be more highly compensated than say suicidal chinese computer part factory help. [laughter] if it's good enough of these despondent people, well, not to worry, people. >> i just want to say a
's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jiewrtdment we each got a show for you tonight. thank you very much. we have a show for you tonight. i'm telling you, it is a show the pope would tweet about. my guest tonight is louis ck. very few of you know this, but the ck is short for [bleeped] [laughter] yeah, man. all day we're here writing, all day. but we begin tonight with news out of illinois. you may remember about a year ago former governor rod blah... [stumbles over name] toured the country promising he'd be vindicated of all charges. he visited the "daily show" where i made a promise to him. again, if you get off scot-free, there's a hug waiting for you. >> i'm determined to work even harder to get that. >> jon: well, tonight i have some very good news to report. i will not have to hug rod blagojevich. [cheering and applause] and here's why: >> in chicago today, the jury said guilty 17 times as the former illinois governor
and see where they're going, maybe we can arrest the cartel leaders who are using these guns. >> jon: maybe. [laughter] or... [laughter] so once these drug cartel runners took the guns to mexico, how do we know what happened to the guns? >> i can tell you that after a trip to radioshack with a.t.f. funds, i myself manufactured a g.p.s. tracking device that would fit inside the handling of an a.k. variant rifle. [laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the assault rifles we sold mexican cartels didn't work, how do we find out where the guns are? what is plan "b"? >> the only way you're going to find those guns in mexico is where? >> at crime scenes in which either the b
. >> jon: that's a major civil rights victory. ( cheers and applause ) new york, finally, new york state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in connecticut in order to get married. ( applause ) really? the nuptials are in stam forward? mmmm. yes, it was last friday night at 10:30 p.m. eastern gay rights time after a week of tense negotiations and protests featuring brutal gay versus jew bull fighting, the senate in al bany finally made an honest state of new york by a vote of 33 for destroying society as we know it and 29 against. the vote was in doubt right up until the last minute. as of thursday, the state senate was dead locked 31-31. marriage rights supporters had to find at least one more republican to flip. and then up stepped mark grisanti, state senator from buffalo, who had run on a platform of banning gay marriage. here's what he had to say. >> as a catholic i was raised to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. >> jon: so we'll move on from there. maybe they'll find a vote from someone who doesn't appear to be on ellio
's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest is daniel radcliffe. the star of the new flick harry potter and the half billion dollars in worldwide weekend gross. so exciting tonight. i found out something scientifically i didn't know was possible. a canadian with breed with a german. did you know that? ( cheers and applause ) i don't even know how they fit them together. they've created a new species of canad-erman. you know what? no fooling around. our top story tonight, of course, the debt ceiling. our ongoing segment. that is in no way hyperbolic as america mes closer to laying out a blanket in front of our garage and selling off all our old board games it has become clear that time for action is short. >> theate president says he wants an agreement. >> president obama set a deadline. >> president obama now says it's decision time. >> jon: snap, commander in chief th
even harder to get that. >> jon: well, tonight i have some very good news to report. i will not have to hug rod blagojevich. [cheering and applause] and here's why: >> in chicago today, the jury said guilty 17 times as the former illinois governor rod blagojevich was convicted of attempted distortion, bribery, conspiracy and fraud. >> jon: 17 felony convictions, or as that's known, a chicago dozen. [laughter] on his way to the kraus to hear the verdict, blah... [stumbles over name] was unusually circumspect >> my hands are shaky, my neems are week, i can't seem to stand on my own two feet. [laughter] >> jon: quoting elvis on your way to hear a criminal verdict and you go with "all shook up"? "jailhouse rock" doesn't come up in that? "suspicious minds"? ♪ i'm caught in a trap ♪ nothing. of course, that was on his way to the verdict being read. after words, blah... [stumbles over name] wanted people to know that he'd learned his lesson. >> among the many lessons i've learned from this whole experience is to try to speak a little bit less, so i'm going to keep my remarks kind of sho
central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart, man! do we have a good show for you tonight. tonight's guest peter tomsen, author of a new book "the wars of afghanistan" that's right, plural, wars. as you know, debt ceiling discussions, coming down to the wire. political leaders on both sides pulling out all the stops. all the stops. like the kind of stops that high school football coaches use before homecoming games in particular at thiscious small towns. >> kevin mccarthy a third ranking republican in the house urged republicans to unite behind boehner's plan by showing this clip from the movie "the town" >> the town? (laughter) "the town", no rudy-- "rudy" "brian song" or "300" or "rocky" or "rocky 2" or "rocky 3" or really any of the "rockies" you went with the boston bank rubbers in nun costumes clip. >> well, there is going to be good. (laughter) let's see the clip-- (cheers and applause) >> that the republicans use
are we going to take? (laughter) (applause) >> jon: let me see if i understand this metaphor. the establishment republicans are saying to the tea party upstarts hey, you know the violent, unstable borderline socio path from "the town" who's useful in a pinch but whose suicidal single minded mania will ultimately be his downfall? that's you guys. (laughter) and the guy who is stuck in an uneasy alliance with you but doesn't really like you and ultimately saves himself by walking away from you as you are dying, that's us. (laughter) so do we have your vote? (laughter) i'm going to assume most of the tea party coalition has not seen the whole movie. >> allen west liked what he heard. >> so i got up and told the speaker i will drive the car. (laughter) quick, robin, to the bat [bleep] mobile. still, if nothing else, the democratic response to the republican's use of that clip from the movie "the town" did lead to one of my favorite recent moments in cable news. i give you chuck schumer maschugana movie breakdown. >> in the scene they inspire their house freshman, one of the crook
stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. we have a very good show tonight. our guest tonight, neil patrick her is. (cheers and applause) now as you know many of our viewers live in the northern hemisphere. (laughter) i dot longitudes and latitudes but i really don't-- (laughter) an experienced-- (laughter) a lot of map lovers in the audience. anyway, in the hemisphere has experienced in the past week a weather phenomenon of extreme heat called labs, falaro where the sun gets close enough to the earth to hug it. and then do this to it it but where we humans saw hardship, tv weather news people saw hot-pertunity. >> we just took this justy t bone out of the fri see if we can cook it on the dashboard of a car. >> you can really cook eggs on a street, bake cookies on a dashboard. >> the mac and cheese have cooked. >> i will taste the pizza. >> the pizza is actually fully cooked. it is not global warning, it is god preheating america. (laughter) by the way, this guy may be eat pizza straight off the sidewalk, bu
resort to these incredibly gimmicky stunts when discussing extreme weather conditions? >> jon, it's about taking complicated scientific phenomenon and making it accessible. 103 he agrees with 70% humidity, a, but everybody understands does it hotten food? (laughter) >> jon: so the gimmick, the pizza, the standing outside in the hurricane s just a way for us nonscientists to understand extreme weather? >> well, really any weather. for instance the heat wave broke today but it's still over 80 degrees fahrenheit or to put ina that in terms rubes like you might understand, egg salad sandwich warming weather. (laughter) this has been outside all day, with this glass of milk. >> jon: i don't think-- no i don't think you should eat that. >> oh, yeah, oh-- oh, oh, man, that is such flavor. oh. i should wash it down with this lumpy milk. >> jon: i don't -- >> oh, oh-- . >> jon: i don't think you should be eating -- >> you should call me one of those vans with the lights on the front of it you know what, i'll call it. wehoo within wehhoo. >> stephen: . >> jon: i told you not to eat that i'm not sur
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 89 (some duplicates have been removed)

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